Weird dreams. Too much true crime, maybe. Need a detox.
Sore throat. 

sometimes I look back and try to imagine what life would be like if I didn't get out of that fucking country. nostalgic? you've gotta be kidding me.
what's there to be nostalgic about? depressive shithole. 
I just don't belong there.

OMG finally we are getting new apartment whaaaat
can't wait any longer and can't do anything in this old one, feels like a waste of time.
July 5th here we goooo
I wanna paint all the walls for fucks sake, but I've no idea about the colors. the baby blue in this apartment was super cute, but the navy blue just sucked so bad.
gotta buy new fridge and a kitchen table with some chairs. why is it so exciting? lol getting old.
rereading some books after a lot of time usually brings new perspective, but not 1q84. this one just keeps giving the same vibes. love it.

and yeah, mass effect legendary eddition IS HAPPENING NOW.

up at 3am straight from a call with an employee of microsoft. feeling important lol wtf.
the vaccine is coming, finally. what else is there to wish for?
music for the trip to Iceland has been chosen, kaer trolde and ard skellig village, that's it. it sounds like Iceland, so it will do. actually, I wish those two songs were my personal soundtrack. like, it would just play out of nowhere when the moment is right. yeah.

when I listen to stay from interstellar, it makes me feel like I belong somewhere that's not here. that's not a place at all. that's just not. does it even make sense? weird deep longing for something that does not exist. maybe it does exist, but not here. not anywhere. wtf is this feeling.
well, I guess thank you, Hans, for making me feel this, whatever it is.

clusterfuck is an appropriate term to describe everything that's happening right now.
I'm being a crybaby half of the day, and the other half I just vibe and laugh and whatnot. What the actual fuck is happening.
It's hot and sunny, Amor and Sexo by Rita Lee is playing on the radio Spotify and you just can't take the problems seriously. Maybe that's why they live so long here, ain't nobody got time for worries. This chill vibe is what keeps them us sane and going.

i'm a motherfucking starboy. damn this song, get the fuck outta my head.

Yeah let's talk about music. How come I discover singers I like a little too late, after their death already? I mean, come on!
Mac Miller and his Self Care just doesn't get out of my mind. It wasn't all right for you, Mac, and it'll never be.
It' will be good for me, though. I know it will. It is already, kinda lol

You know what frustration is? It's when you look at the sky and realize that you are nothing on the scale of universe. You are nothing, one day you'll die and become nothing and will never come to discover the mysteries of whatever is out there, deep in space. You'll never even get to get out of this planet.
Life goes on. But every time you look up in the sky, you feel this frustration, the feeling just haunts you. The pain is almost physical. It hurts. What wouldn't you give to be out there, flying among the stars? In the cold, vast darkness, among the infinite number of galaxies and solar systems.
Next goal - buying a telescope. This is how close I will ever get to this dream. A damn telescope.
I should really play some Mass Effect, or even read the Expanse again. Watch Star Trek maybe? What should I do to relieve this longing? Will it ever go away?

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Sometimes I need to remind myself that I really wanna move outta here. It's nice and all, but lately I feel like this studio is way too small, really. Not enough space for Bitchinha, even Zora ain't got a proper sunny place. At times like these, though, it doesn't seem possible. Wonder when it all will end.
My birthday is coming and I guess it will be the first birthday in Brazil spent at home, which is frustrating. I wanted to spend this one on the beach,aybe in some fancy hotel, or at least go to rodízio lol Alas, everything is closed and it's forbidden to be in public places. Not that I would go, even if it was allowed. We are in quarantine for 4 months, going out only to supermarket and pharmacy sometimes. I do know it's a good thing, I do. After all, things are just getting worse, every day we get more and more cases. More deaths too. It's scary, terrifying even. So how come I keep being selfish and keep thinking about such stupid and irrelevant matters as my own birthday? Anyway, even spent at home, I know it will be brilliant. It's all about who you are with, not where you are, after all. But being happy at a nice place, or swimming in the pool wouldn't hurt lol

And finally, desperately needed, long awaited break. The world is burning around me, everything is going to hell. So why does it feel like I'm just benefitting from it? I needed this family time, this busy vacation.
I know I'm still exhausted though, no doubt here. A month or so without work would definitely do me good, emotionally and physically-wise.

Contacted on old friend, feels weird. Seems like she's doing well, which is nice to hear. It's a strange feeling, knowing you still got a friend in someone even after years of silence. The say childhood friendship is strong, but I hadn't had a chance to see for myself untill I suddenly did. I'm not gonna lie, it's a good feeling. Not that I'm feeling lost where I am right now, and most of the time I even feel like I belong. But I also know that all relationships built in adulthood will never bring this joy.

Writing here and seeing those old-style emojis reminded me of forum times. It feels like a thousand years has passed, what the heck. Everything is blurry, yet somehow nostalgic. I guess coming back here reminds me of who I used to be. Does it make any sense? Different life, different people, different tastes and hobbies. Has it all really happened to me?

Talking about hobbies, I need free time for reading more, dammit. Some months ago I used to devour thousands of pages, and find such joy in it. Alas, quarantine has given me comfort of home office, but also doubled my workload. I get an hour or two to play the Wild Hunt though, I guess it's a modern form of meditation. Go to Skellige, whistle for Roach and go around ridding and listening to some wonderful music. Sorry, mom, this works better than reiki lol


Kaer Trolde

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